The New "F" Bomb

Life has been interesting lately. Doctors appointments, elimination diets, materials to read and implement. I'm tired, frustrated, and confused. I'm overwhelmed, and melancholy, and irritable. 

I am finally getting some answers, and the relief that comes with them. As far as Fibromyalgia can be an answer anyway. There are still some unexplained symptoms that even the neurological issues that go along with fibromyalgia don't explain. There are some unresolved issues... probably related to Hashimoto's, that are causing vision problems (and causing me to look a little less attractive).

I am happy to finally understand some of what is going on. I am happy to understand the constant push and crash cycle I have been in for years. I am excited to finally understand the extreme, chronic, and debilitating brain fog. I not only understand the pain, the fatigue, the sore throat, nausea, chronic low-grade fever, the joint pain, the numbness, tingling, etc, etc, etc, but I am also learning the first steps in managing it all. It doesn't seem possible right now, but I'm excited to understand and have hope. 

I'm happy that all of these overwhelming, seemingly unrelated, and numerous symptoms finally mean something. I'm happy that I can stop feeling crazy, ashamed, guilty, afraid. I'm happy that I can start working to regain energy, to regain some control over my life, and to better manage what energy I do have. 

Mostly I am happy to have some answers to my questions. I am so tired of trying to explain what I haven't understood. I'm tired of lying, of saying I'm good when I am not. I'm tired of having to make excuses for myself because "that won't work for me" is never enough." I'm too tired; I don't feel well" is not okay. I'm really just tired. I know the pressure and the judgement and the questions probably wont go away, but at least I can answer them from a place of knowledge now. At least I can have confidence in my own understanding of my body and it's limitations and how it works now.

It is so hard to be sick and not know why. It is hard to feel like your own body just won't work, won't perform. It's hard to not only live with the questions nagging in your own mind, but to be put on the spot to answer other's questions too. I've felt so foolish and shamed and like I have been labeled a hypochondriac by a special few with which I have shared my struggles. It makes me wonder what other people would do and how they would have handled this crazy, hodge-podge, collection of symptoms. Sometimes I think the only right and acceptable answer when others ask how you are doing is "good". At least now, too, I will have a clearer definition of friend.

Anyway, there is no going back, there is only moving forward. I am excited to have a doctor that does her best to educate and empower me. The next few months are filled with appointments: rheumatologist, neurologist, physical therapist, nutritionist, functional medicine, and even a plastic surgeon. The ball is rolling now. My doctor says that fibromyalgia and Hashimoto's are likely not the only pieces to this puzzle, but its a start.

I don't know, can't comprehend yet, the changes that are before us. I'm trusting God and I am waiting on Him. I'm sitting with it for a while. I'm taking all the pressure to perform, participate, attend and I am letting it slide away. I have known for a long time that I could not keep up. Now I finally know why. Now I have the freedom to decide for myself which hats fit and which don't. It's amazing how many hats people try to shove on your head! Next time someone throws a hat at me I plan to run it over with the lawnmower. 

Happiness

Emotions make terrible destinations but very helpful compasses.              - Jennie Allen

I often hear, "I just want you to be happy". 

I see others justify wrong choices in the name of happiness.  

People strive to be happy, to make others happy. That's great; we all love to be happy. Happy is a good thing. Happy is NOT a destination. 

I get it. I get the desire to be happy. I get the longing in your heart to make those you love happy. I even understand the desire to sacrifice your own happiness if it might lead to greater happiness for someone you love.

Here's the thing: life isn't about being happy. To teach that, to perpetuate that kind of thinking, is wrong. You are doing a disservice to those you care about if you allow them to think, to live, that way. 

Happiness is fickle. It is fleeting. Happiness is that feeling you get when circumstances line up and things are going your way and life is easy and fun and things just feel good. After you have lived a little while you know that it is virtually impossible and highly irresponsible to live life from the center of a happiness bubble. You cannot center yourself around only those things which make you happy and be responsible, considerate of others, or grow in character. 

When circumstances align and you are just happy - enjoy it! Live it up, revel in it, cherish every moment. 

Don't let happiness be your destination. Life is hard and no one is exempt. When happiness is your destination, you don't allow room for more fulfilling things. 

You don't allow room for joy.

 Joy, unlike happiness, has to be cultivated. Joy is learning to be content and satisfied, even when circumstances don't align and life isn't everything you want it to be in a given moment. 

Rick Warren says, "Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation". 

You don't allow room for the satisfaction of doing the right thing. 

When your choices center around your own happiness you don't get to feel the satisfaction of doing the right thing, even when it is hard. Often, you rob yourself of feelings of compassion, generosity, kindness, and benevolence. These feelings, if given a chance, will surpass happiness. They are rooted in good character and are a strong foundation for a productive, joy-filled life. 

You don't allow room for important growth opportunities.

When your choices center around the happiness of someone you love, you have to ask yourself if you are choosing their happiness in this moment over an opportunity to grow in character, over an opportunity to learn from real world consequences. Are you choosing the ease of happiness over important life lessons, over speaking the truth in love?

Happiness is not a destination, but it can be a helpful compass. It can steer you toward those callings deep within your heart.It can guide you towards your life's purposes and the types of work that bring you the most fulfillment. 

Let your destination be one of good character. 

Wherever life takes you, let your destination be one of authenticity, kindness, generosity, joy, integrity ... and those characteristics nearest and dearest to your heart. 

A Legacy

Nearly three years ago we moved to my husband's family farm. It has felt like both a blessing and a burden to me, a gift wrapped in expectation. I will admit that most of the expectations are probably my own. 

I recognize that if I had moved to my own family's farm, I wouldn't have given a second thought to taking it over, making changes and improvements. I belonged there, after all, more than I have ever belonged to any place, more than any place has ever belonged to me. It is my hiraeth. The place I long for, to which I can never return, a lost place of my past.

The truth is, my husband knows this place with an inward knowing. In many ways it is all he knows. I am happy for that. I am happy he has had the security I have longed for; I'm happy I am a part of that now. I feel that God answered the deep, unspoken longings of my heart with this farm and home.

I did not transition seamlessly. It hasn't been a graceful process. It did not feel like home to me for a long time. I didn't know how to make it feel like home. I didn't know how to honor what was, while moving into what is to be. This inner struggle has made it hard to move forward. Rather than embracing what is, I've been at a stand still.

I want this to be my home, my place.

Home has always been my favorite place to be. Home is infinitely important to an introvert. It is a place of safety, security, acceptance, creativity, love, and much needed solitude. It is important to me that my home reflects who I am. I'm working on making those transitions, little by little.

I've thought a lot, over the past few years, about the legacy of this farm. I'm sure some of the values and challenges have changed over the years, generation to generation. One thing has been constant: faith. This farm has a legacy of faith.

We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, His powers and the wonders He has done. Psalm 78:4

We attended a family reunion picnic a couple summers back. We went through the routine of prayer, potluck dinner, scripture reading, fellowship. God pressed into my heart that day, "This is what generational faith looks like". It isn't perfect. It isn't made of perfect people. It's faith. It's trust in Him, handed down through tradition, ritual, the routine of daily life. It's prayer. It's the Word. It's living life with purpose. Sometimes it's, "Lord, I believe, help Thou mine unbelief". Mark 9:24

It has stayed with me, that impression. I've thought about it. I've learned from it.

I recognize that my faith does not look like the extremely routined, disciplined faith of the generation before me. I think my faith and my relationship with God will always be different. I don't come from the same place, so my place is bound to be different.  

I will make it different; I will make it mine, for as long as I am here.

I will make changes, and from now on I will make them with confidence, because the important thing isn't the wallpaper or the color of the shutters, or the new plantings or shop renovations. The important thing is the legacy of faith. I can do that, God help me. It will not look the same. It won't be the same, because it will be unique to me, my husband, our family, our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

It will be different; it will be beautiful.

I trust God for that. 

Inside-Out

I keep dreaming up this dream of what life would look like if we had the courage to live with our souls turned inside-out. 

Our souls are comprised of our mind, will, and emotions. There are aspects of our souls: our gifts, talents, abilities we are to use to glorify God. There are aspects we are to overcome: bad attitudes, poor mindsets, shallow desires, unhealthy feelings. 

What would it look like if we had the courage to live with our souls turned inside-out? What would it look like if we could whisper our secrets into the wind and they could be sucked up into the universe, their power forever altered? What would it look like if we could share our faults and mistakes and failures, transforming our shame and insecurity into empowerment and humility? What if we could become a safe place for others to bring their weaknesses, their shame, their failures because we were so transparent they already knew ours? 

This is the question I keep asking myself. What if I could be that person? What if I could be a safe place? I don't know what that looks like. Not yet. I can only see the first few steps. I can only see right in front of me, the things heavy on my heart, fresh in my mind until I release them. I can only whisper what I am, what I've done, Who He is, what He's done. I can only trust that when a quiet voice whispers a simple truth God can carry it on the wind and direct into which ear it blows. 

What if hurting people could see our brokenness and our path to Him, the Healer? What if they could follow it to their own place of healing and love? What if they could whisper their own truths into the universe? 

I don't hear testimonies frequently, but when I do I am often moved to tears. Many of us wear our hearts on our sleeves, but I wonder if others, like me, have been too afraid to wear their souls inside-out. I don't know what that looks like. Iv'e never seen it - not close-up. I've never been a part if it, but God keeps giving me this dream. I keep wondering what beautiful souls could look like if we were brave enough to wear them inside-out, contents carefully entrusted to Him.

The thing about our testimonies is that they belong to us, but they also belong to God. Our stories are part of His story. I think it's our job as modern day believers  to show that God is here, that He is now. Our stories aren't part of His Word, but they are part of His work right now, relevant for the world today. Each of our testimonies holds beauty and power as we step into His call on our lives. 

The hardest part about our testimonies is that they belong to other people too. Some of our greatest challenges are not just overcoming what is in us: the unhealthy thoughts, mindsets, emotions, but also what is done to us: abuse, abandonment, neglect, the pain of broken people in relationship with one another.

We work to protect the reputations of those who hurt us. I've heard a lot of differing opinions on sharing these types of testimonies. I don't know the answer; I'm not sure there is a clear-cut answer. I do know secrets hold power. I know that they can become burdens that weigh you down. They can breed an environment of shame deep within our souls. I do know that our testimonies belong, not only to us, but also to God.   

Whether your story, your testimony is one of overcoming or one of stability and unwavering faith, it holds tremendous value. It speaks to God's plan, and I love that His plan has space, has a role and a purpose for every single believer. I love that the pain and the victory over pain work together to strengthen and empower us for our predestined work here. 

I wish our testimonies were as easy on our lips as our own names, that we owned them with as much certainty and confidence. I hope we are able to wear them inside-out someday, proof of God's power to change what's broken and hurting.  

  

lemons

You've heard the adage:

When life gives you  lemons, make lemonade.

I'd like to add:

When life gives your neighbor lemons, don't judge.

Living in a small Midwest town is a blessing. People care. People help out. You actually know your neighbors. We try to keep a lid on the busyness of life so we can care about what is actually important. There is a sense of community and of safety in a small town. We are "we" here. "We" can make a difference here and in the world. 

We have strong feelings, strong ethics, a moral code, principles and faith that we try to pass along to our children. We care. We work. We try. 

We also know all your business. I don't know because I'm new, but this isn't my first small town. Trust me; "we" know. Some of us thrive on it, live for it, talk about it. And not just with God, not just with our husbands, not just in love, not just to spread a prayer request. Thankfully, it is only some. Thankfully even that some are everyday lovable, wonderful people with a weakness for gossip.

Still, it can do damage. It can hurt reputations. It can hurt trust that has been carefully built over time. It can damage community and what God had planned for us - the work "we" were meant to do. "We" can do a bigger work, a better work if we can manage not to let Satan divide us. That takes self-control, especially where the temptation to gossip comes in. 

As the newbie, it is hard to know who to trust, who to confide in. It's hard to trust people you don't know. I have only recently started sharing with some of the women in this community. It's scary. It's hard. Panic attack hard. Wish I could take that back hard. Can I really trust you with my problems hard. Does everybody I know and everybody I don't know already know my personal business hard.

To some extent I have to stop reasoning and trust God with this. I can't wall myself off from the world in case someone hurts me, gossips about me, judges me. I can't miss out on genuine and kind and loving. I can't miss out on heartfelt prayers and pouring into a wonderful group of women that only wants to pour back into me. I can't miss out on a blessing God has prepared for me because someone might not be genuine; someone might have a weakness for gossip. If that happens I have to be big enough, strong enough, faithful enough to love them through their weakness as they love me through mine. My only power, my only strength is in what I do. I can't be a victim if I've already set my mind that it just might happen and if it does I will hold my head up. I will love, and forgive, and pray for.

I openly admit I have dirt. I talk about it here, it's no secret. I'm not proud of all I do, all my family does, all that happens in life, but Jesus came for my dirt and He came for my family's dirt. If there is any power to hold over the dirt and pain of the past it's in saying, "Look! Look at ALL this dirt! I was filthy, broken, and full of guilt and shame. Look what God has done for me! Look how clean I have been made by Jesus! Look at how He has helped me to clean up my life! See how He has helped my family? See what He can do?" 

And in times when life is messy, when you are back in the thick of it and struggling to push on to the other side, the victory side - then you just say, "Look! Look at my God! He never leaves me, no matter my mess! I don't deserve Him. I never will, not on my very best day, but oh, how faithful He is! Look how He is helping me through this. By His grace I can already see the victory on the other side!" 

This is where I am now. I'm still in the mess. I'm pushing on. I'm in transition. I'm questioning, searching. I'm trying to reason things out - more than I should. I'm overwhelmed with life, clutter: mental, emotional, physical clutter. I'm weeding out. I'm making decisions, making changes, grasping at a vision for something different, better. I'm re-visiting old pains, dreams, goals. I'm preparing for a new chapter. It's messy. Messier than need be maybe, but that's me. I can't just sort through one thing; I have to sift through it all. It makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes that's okay. I don't want to show my mess, explain it, defend it - I just want space and time. All I can say is, "Look! Look at my God!".

I'm still here. I'm still a part of this community. I'm still thinking about you, praying for you. 

Especially those of you also in transition: divorce, loss, mourning and grief, pain, rejection, abuse, addiction. Life can get dirty. The truth isn't always plain, and sometimes it conflicts with our other Christian values. Life isn't black and white, and sometimes neither is our faith. I know; I've been in that grey place of indecision. I've been in that place where nothing is clear, nothing is certain. All you can do is entrust God with your best. He wants the best for you. This is the time to look to Him. Don't wait. Don't try to clean it up on your own. He is faithful. He is used to working through mistakes and brokenness and pain.   

It's easy to quote a scripture or two and sum up the many facets of your hurt, pain, and problems with a stereotype, a neat little label. I've been under that label; I know what the world sees: Divorced. Single Mom. Interracial Marriage. There is a lot of judgement behind the words on our labels. These labels carry a lot of weight. They can be heavy and burdensome. It can cause you to question your own worth and value, when others read your labels with contempt in their voice, disdain on their face. 

That is part of life. We all wear labels, to some degree. Some are socially acceptable in our communities, others are not. Sometimes we make our own labels. Some are fair, others are not. Some are completely out of our control. We are all judged by our labels, good or bad. Sometimes we can hide them, move away from them, change and leave them behind.

The best possible outcome is to learn from our labels. Mine have taught me that at the end of the day you have to hear what God is speaking into your heart, and you have to allow others to listen to what He is speaking into theirs. I don't know what I don't know. I try to assume nothing and always believe the best. I try.

 

When life gave me lemons I slowly, painstakingly, are purposefully made lemonade. One of my greatest lessons was when life gives someone else lemons, don't judge. Pray.

The "Different" Disadvantage

As an introvert, I often feel like I have to explain myself. I know I am not alone in this; there are numerous articles, memes, websites, blogs, etc floating around that tell me this is normal for introverts (finally!). It can feel really bad sometimes, to have to explain myself. 

It feels bad because it often crosses the line. There are people that seek to understand introversion better and there are people that attack it. It is largely viewed as wrong, not just different, but a disadvantage. Why do I have to defend myself against who you think I should be?

It's hard to explain why I don't want to go to the party, the retreat, the girl's night out, the exciting group activity.These things are intensely overstimulating for me. Sometimes I can do it; sometimes I can't. Some days I genuinely want to go, but I know it's not a good idea. 

Some days I can't listen to the radio while I drive or clean house. I am that sensitive. Think of me as the inverse of the extreme extrovert. If your worst weekend is one spent alone without tv, social media, or any way of interacting with people, mine is one of endless interaction. 

Sometimes I over-estimate what I can do. I think it will be okay, but it's not. I want out. I am an adult; I can push through when required. This kind of day or weekend is so over-stimulating, so draining to me. It makes me physically ill. It takes me days to recover. I get a migraine. I vomit. My body hurts for a day or two (or five). I often get sick with a cold or sore throat for a week or so after. 

Maybe this is how sensitive I am at this point in my life. I haven't always been so sensitive. Maybe it is more and I am ill. I don't know. What I do know is I get tired of explaining it, defending it. I get tired of being treated like I'm weird or an inconvenience because if it. 

I'm definitely in the minority here, but God made me this way. I'm a person; I'm not here to fall into line with everything you think I should be. I want to be appreciated for what I am. I am not less of a person because I spend most of my time alone, in the quiet.    

It's hard to explain why I don't always want to talk about the weather, the new handbag, the many "nothings" that dominate conversation. For me, these conversations require energy. I'd rather spend my energy discussing something more meaningful. I'd like to hear about you, not your handbag.

"People time" requires a lot of energy for an introvert, even more for a highly sensitive one. This is a fact. One that can shut extroverts down immediately. Statements like these are wildly unpopular. 

I find this utterly amusing, and also interesting. I get what makes an extrovert tick. Our society is built for extroverts. It's been shoved down my throat every day of my life. It's in what you want from me, what you think I should be, what you think is best for me, what you think I should do. 

Why is it so unimportant, inconvenient, inconceivable for you to widen your perception of should? 

"There are worse things than being an introvert." 

What if being an introvert could be the best thing? It doesn't have to be the best thing for you - that's not who God made you to be, but what if - and just imagine this for a moment - it was the best thing I could ever be? 

God made me an introvert. At times in life I have been quite social. Right now I'm not. God made me an introvert. He puts a lot into us. He gives us areas to grow, to change, to overcome. Introversion is not one of them. It's hard-wired in. It's how my brain works. It's in my nervous system. It was not a mistake; it is not something to overcome. It evolves with time, just like your gifts, talents, abilities and traits do. 

It can be hard to "manage" introversion at times. I have very little control over it. It's hard to know what to expect when I go out into the big world. It's hard to anticipate what stimulants will come my way. It's hard to proactively manage them when it's not socially acceptable to even acknowledge them. I can't ask someone to dim the lights or turn the radio down. I will be viewed as a complainer at best. I don't want that anyway. I don't want my current limitations to influence your choices or take away from your day, your experience. 

The worst thing for me is it's not socially acceptable to say "no". No, I don't want to go to your party. It's not because I don't like you; I just don't have the energy. When I do commit to going, it's not socially acceptable to back out. "I was feeling amazing a week ago when I (fearfully) accepted your invitation. Things have changed since then; I'm not up to it." Social suicide. And finally, worst of all, it is not okay to attend an event (even if you are smart enough to drive yourself) and leave early. You will be guilted to stay. Many implications will be made. You will acquire the dreaded label. 

Why can't it just be tolerable, acceptable, celebrated to be different? 

I'm okay with you attending every social event you can fit on your calendar. I'm okay with you talking to every single person in the room at those social events. I'm okay with you staying the entire time, until the very end if you want. I'm okay with you talking about the weather and your purse and "nothing" (which can be great at times, and can also be any easy way to keep people at arms-length so that they easily fill an empty friend slot in your life and your energy bank - even though you will never really get to know them at all). If these are the things you want, and if they are good for you, I am ecstatic for you to have each and every one.      

Please recognize that I want something different. What's good for you may not be good for me. 

Destination Nineveh?

 I am the most private person I know. My husband can vouch for me. I write a lot. I write down everything: ideas, dreams, goals, motivators, sermons, scripture, to-do's, lists... I keep all of these things private. When we met I begrudgingly divulged only my grocery list. Seriously, it has been a process to open up. 

If an introvert is truly like a clamped up oyster with a pearl inside, then I will say its no small task to pry this oyster open. I have no idea what my pearl looks like, but I'm trusting God there is one and that in His hands, by His design, it could hold a beautiful power. 

The point is, I'm not the type of person to air my clean laundry, let alone the dirty stuff. It is completely out of my comfort zone to share, to open up, to be vulnerable. I feel extremely vulnerable sharing everyday things that most people wouldn't give a second thought to. This may change with time, but the "introversion thing" - that's hard-wired in. It may evolve with time, but it's here to stay. 

So, why in the world am I baring my heart and soul to the world? Why would I post anything online where anyone can see it? 

Admittedly, this seems like the most bizarre, out-of-the-box thing I could possibly be doing - even to me. I have battled this out over and over again since my first post. I feel God prodding me to do this. I have no idea why. In all likelihood it will never exceed an audience of five. I'm okay with that. In all likelihood I will no longer post it on Facebook. If God tells me to I will certainly do my best, but I have no plans to share at this point. 

Mostly, I feel like this is really all I have to offer to the world right now. All I have to give is myself. Authentic Angela. It's not much. Don't think for a single minute I think it is above the everyday ordinary of anyone else. But God. God has done some amazing things in my life. He has taken what was meant for brokenness and anger and bitterness and pain and He has turned it into healing, and forgiveness, and peace, and joy.

I am sensitive. I'm a deep thinker. I feel things deeply. I am always, always in process. I'm working through. This requires a lot of solitude for me. The really hard things in life require more solitude, more time. "I've got this," isn't in my vocabulary. I will never have this- I will only have God and a faith that God has this. He has me. He has each one of us if we invite Him to. I'm not sharing my life here because it is extraordinary. I'm not sharing because I know anything, or have any great ability that I feel I must splatter all over the internet or record in black and white. 

I'm sharing my life because that's what God is telling me to do. He told me to go to Nineveh and I've been dragging my feet. Am I really hearing from God? I think I'll wait and make sure. And then, "Are you sure God?" I need to be sure. I've done some meandering now, and some dragging of feet, and even some panicking. What in the world have I got myself into? The bottom line is, if I don't do this - even though it makes no sense to me, even though it goes against the grain - I will find myself in Tarshish. I don't want to go to Tarshish. It sounds weird and 21st Century spell check doesn't even recognize it. Yikes! Scariest of all, it's the direct opposite of where God told me to go. 

Long story short, I'm considering this a lesson in blind obedience. It's not for the faint of heart. In my own reasoning it makes no sense. I like to keep me to me. I'm scared to share me with others- so much so that I don't have friends. I have family and they know me to varying degrees because God picked them for me. That's it. I am trying to build some new friendships. That is a slow, hard process for me. I'm trusting God and we will see where it goes. 

I think I'm finally in a place where I am humble enough (I hope) to let people see my laundry, clean or dirty, and trust God with it. I am obedient enough (I hope) to put my everyday ordinary out into the world and trust God to get it to who, if anybody, needs to see it. I'm finally in a place where I trust God enough to get me through the hard rejection and pain or the attention and feedback that may result. And I recognize that if this blog is never anything more than a lesson in blind obedience, it will have value. It has already taken a turn from the intended. Maybe someday I'll modify it and start a second one.

I think intentional transparency in my writing may eventually help me to open up more in everyday life. Eventually.

 I feel led to help others understand introversion, sensitivity, and what introverted Christianity looks like. God made me an introvert on purpose. I (we introverts) bring something unique and valuable to the table. I would like to explore what that looks like by sharing how it evolves in my own life. I am exploring what authenticity and transparency and a host of other things look like in my life right now. I don't have a plan, but God does, and my plans don't work half the time anyway. I just feel led to share these explorations. 

And I am in love with what God does with all of these thoughts when I do share them. He releases them. It's as if I've given it to the universe, like a gift, and it no longer occupies my mind. It makes room for something new. And all I have to do is entrust it to Him. That's all I feel led to right now. I don't have to share it. I don't have to defend it. I only have to entrust it to Him. On to Nineveh...