lemons

You've heard the adage:

When life gives you  lemons, make lemonade.

I'd like to add:

When life gives your neighbor lemons, don't judge.

Living in a small Midwest town is a blessing. People care. People help out. You actually know your neighbors. We try to keep a lid on the busyness of life so we can care about what is actually important. There is a sense of community and of safety in a small town. We are "we" here. "We" can make a difference here and in the world. 

We have strong feelings, strong ethics, a moral code, principles and faith that we try to pass along to our children. We care. We work. We try. 

We also know all your business. I don't know because I'm new, but this isn't my first small town. Trust me; "we" know. Some of us thrive on it, live for it, talk about it. And not just with God, not just with our husbands, not just in love, not just to spread a prayer request. Thankfully, it is only some. Thankfully even that some are everyday lovable, wonderful people with a weakness for gossip.

Still, it can do damage. It can hurt reputations. It can hurt trust that has been carefully built over time. It can damage community and what God had planned for us - the work "we" were meant to do. "We" can do a bigger work, a better work if we can manage not to let Satan divide us. That takes self-control, especially where the temptation to gossip comes in. 

As the newbie, it is hard to know who to trust, who to confide in. It's hard to trust people you don't know. I have only recently started sharing with some of the women in this community. It's scary. It's hard. Panic attack hard. Wish I could take that back hard. Can I really trust you with my problems hard. Does everybody I know and everybody I don't know already know my personal business hard.

To some extent I have to stop reasoning and trust God with this. I can't wall myself off from the world in case someone hurts me, gossips about me, judges me. I can't miss out on genuine and kind and loving. I can't miss out on heartfelt prayers and pouring into a wonderful group of women that only wants to pour back into me. I can't miss out on a blessing God has prepared for me because someone might not be genuine; someone might have a weakness for gossip. If that happens I have to be big enough, strong enough, faithful enough to love them through their weakness as they love me through mine. My only power, my only strength is in what I do. I can't be a victim if I've already set my mind that it just might happen and if it does I will hold my head up. I will love, and forgive, and pray for.

I openly admit I have dirt. I talk about it here, it's no secret. I'm not proud of all I do, all my family does, all that happens in life, but Jesus came for my dirt and He came for my family's dirt. If there is any power to hold over the dirt and pain of the past it's in saying, "Look! Look at ALL this dirt! I was filthy, broken, and full of guilt and shame. Look what God has done for me! Look how clean I have been made by Jesus! Look at how He has helped me to clean up my life! See how He has helped my family? See what He can do?" 

And in times when life is messy, when you are back in the thick of it and struggling to push on to the other side, the victory side - then you just say, "Look! Look at my God! He never leaves me, no matter my mess! I don't deserve Him. I never will, not on my very best day, but oh, how faithful He is! Look how He is helping me through this. By His grace I can already see the victory on the other side!" 

This is where I am now. I'm still in the mess. I'm pushing on. I'm in transition. I'm questioning, searching. I'm trying to reason things out - more than I should. I'm overwhelmed with life, clutter: mental, emotional, physical clutter. I'm weeding out. I'm making decisions, making changes, grasping at a vision for something different, better. I'm re-visiting old pains, dreams, goals. I'm preparing for a new chapter. It's messy. Messier than need be maybe, but that's me. I can't just sort through one thing; I have to sift through it all. It makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes that's okay. I don't want to show my mess, explain it, defend it - I just want space and time. All I can say is, "Look! Look at my God!".

I'm still here. I'm still a part of this community. I'm still thinking about you, praying for you. 

Especially those of you also in transition: divorce, loss, mourning and grief, pain, rejection, abuse, addiction. Life can get dirty. The truth isn't always plain, and sometimes it conflicts with our other Christian values. Life isn't black and white, and sometimes neither is our faith. I know; I've been in that grey place of indecision. I've been in that place where nothing is clear, nothing is certain. All you can do is entrust God with your best. He wants the best for you. This is the time to look to Him. Don't wait. Don't try to clean it up on your own. He is faithful. He is used to working through mistakes and brokenness and pain.   

It's easy to quote a scripture or two and sum up the many facets of your hurt, pain, and problems with a stereotype, a neat little label. I've been under that label; I know what the world sees: Divorced. Single Mom. Interracial Marriage. There is a lot of judgement behind the words on our labels. These labels carry a lot of weight. They can be heavy and burdensome. It can cause you to question your own worth and value, when others read your labels with contempt in their voice, disdain on their face. 

That is part of life. We all wear labels, to some degree. Some are socially acceptable in our communities, others are not. Sometimes we make our own labels. Some are fair, others are not. Some are completely out of our control. We are all judged by our labels, good or bad. Sometimes we can hide them, move away from them, change and leave them behind.

The best possible outcome is to learn from our labels. Mine have taught me that at the end of the day you have to hear what God is speaking into your heart, and you have to allow others to listen to what He is speaking into theirs. I don't know what I don't know. I try to assume nothing and always believe the best. I try.

 

When life gave me lemons I slowly, painstakingly, are purposefully made lemonade. One of my greatest lessons was when life gives someone else lemons, don't judge. Pray.

The "Different" Disadvantage

As an introvert, I often feel like I have to explain myself. I know I am not alone in this; there are numerous articles, memes, websites, blogs, etc floating around that tell me this is normal for introverts (finally!). It can feel really bad sometimes, to have to explain myself. 

It feels bad because it often crosses the line. There are people that seek to understand introversion better and there are people that attack it. It is largely viewed as wrong, not just different, but a disadvantage. Why do I have to defend myself against who you think I should be?

It's hard to explain why I don't want to go to the party, the retreat, the girl's night out, the exciting group activity.These things are intensely overstimulating for me. Sometimes I can do it; sometimes I can't. Some days I genuinely want to go, but I know it's not a good idea. 

Some days I can't listen to the radio while I drive or clean house. I am that sensitive. Think of me as the inverse of the extreme extrovert. If your worst weekend is one spent alone without tv, social media, or any way of interacting with people, mine is one of endless interaction. 

Sometimes I over-estimate what I can do. I think it will be okay, but it's not. I want out. I am an adult; I can push through when required. This kind of day or weekend is so over-stimulating, so draining to me. It makes me physically ill. It takes me days to recover. I get a migraine. I vomit. My body hurts for a day or two (or five). I often get sick with a cold or sore throat for a week or so after. 

Maybe this is how sensitive I am at this point in my life. I haven't always been so sensitive. Maybe it is more and I am ill. I don't know. What I do know is I get tired of explaining it, defending it. I get tired of being treated like I'm weird or an inconvenience because if it. 

I'm definitely in the minority here, but God made me this way. I'm a person; I'm not here to fall into line with everything you think I should be. I want to be appreciated for what I am. I am not less of a person because I spend most of my time alone, in the quiet.    

It's hard to explain why I don't always want to talk about the weather, the new handbag, the many "nothings" that dominate conversation. For me, these conversations require energy. I'd rather spend my energy discussing something more meaningful. I'd like to hear about you, not your handbag.

"People time" requires a lot of energy for an introvert, even more for a highly sensitive one. This is a fact. One that can shut extroverts down immediately. Statements like these are wildly unpopular. 

I find this utterly amusing, and also interesting. I get what makes an extrovert tick. Our society is built for extroverts. It's been shoved down my throat every day of my life. It's in what you want from me, what you think I should be, what you think is best for me, what you think I should do. 

Why is it so unimportant, inconvenient, inconceivable for you to widen your perception of should? 

"There are worse things than being an introvert." 

What if being an introvert could be the best thing? It doesn't have to be the best thing for you - that's not who God made you to be, but what if - and just imagine this for a moment - it was the best thing I could ever be? 

God made me an introvert. At times in life I have been quite social. Right now I'm not. God made me an introvert. He puts a lot into us. He gives us areas to grow, to change, to overcome. Introversion is not one of them. It's hard-wired in. It's how my brain works. It's in my nervous system. It was not a mistake; it is not something to overcome. It evolves with time, just like your gifts, talents, abilities and traits do. 

It can be hard to "manage" introversion at times. I have very little control over it. It's hard to know what to expect when I go out into the big world. It's hard to anticipate what stimulants will come my way. It's hard to proactively manage them when it's not socially acceptable to even acknowledge them. I can't ask someone to dim the lights or turn the radio down. I will be viewed as a complainer at best. I don't want that anyway. I don't want my current limitations to influence your choices or take away from your day, your experience. 

The worst thing for me is it's not socially acceptable to say "no". No, I don't want to go to your party. It's not because I don't like you; I just don't have the energy. When I do commit to going, it's not socially acceptable to back out. "I was feeling amazing a week ago when I (fearfully) accepted your invitation. Things have changed since then; I'm not up to it." Social suicide. And finally, worst of all, it is not okay to attend an event (even if you are smart enough to drive yourself) and leave early. You will be guilted to stay. Many implications will be made. You will acquire the dreaded label. 

Why can't it just be tolerable, acceptable, celebrated to be different? 

I'm okay with you attending every social event you can fit on your calendar. I'm okay with you talking to every single person in the room at those social events. I'm okay with you staying the entire time, until the very end if you want. I'm okay with you talking about the weather and your purse and "nothing" (which can be great at times, and can also be any easy way to keep people at arms-length so that they easily fill an empty friend slot in your life and your energy bank - even though you will never really get to know them at all). If these are the things you want, and if they are good for you, I am ecstatic for you to have each and every one.      

Please recognize that I want something different. What's good for you may not be good for me. 

Destination Nineveh?

 I am the most private person I know. My husband can vouch for me. I write a lot. I write down everything: ideas, dreams, goals, motivators, sermons, scripture, to-do's, lists... I keep all of these things private. When we met I begrudgingly divulged only my grocery list. Seriously, it has been a process to open up. 

If an introvert is truly like a clamped up oyster with a pearl inside, then I will say its no small task to pry this oyster open. I have no idea what my pearl looks like, but I'm trusting God there is one and that in His hands, by His design, it could hold a beautiful power. 

The point is, I'm not the type of person to air my clean laundry, let alone the dirty stuff. It is completely out of my comfort zone to share, to open up, to be vulnerable. I feel extremely vulnerable sharing everyday things that most people wouldn't give a second thought to. This may change with time, but the "introversion thing" - that's hard-wired in. It may evolve with time, but it's here to stay. 

So, why in the world am I baring my heart and soul to the world? Why would I post anything online where anyone can see it? 

Admittedly, this seems like the most bizarre, out-of-the-box thing I could possibly be doing - even to me. I have battled this out over and over again since my first post. I feel God prodding me to do this. I have no idea why. In all likelihood it will never exceed an audience of five. I'm okay with that. In all likelihood I will no longer post it on Facebook. If God tells me to I will certainly do my best, but I have no plans to share at this point. 

Mostly, I feel like this is really all I have to offer to the world right now. All I have to give is myself. Authentic Angela. It's not much. Don't think for a single minute I think it is above the everyday ordinary of anyone else. But God. God has done some amazing things in my life. He has taken what was meant for brokenness and anger and bitterness and pain and He has turned it into healing, and forgiveness, and peace, and joy.

I am sensitive. I'm a deep thinker. I feel things deeply. I am always, always in process. I'm working through. This requires a lot of solitude for me. The really hard things in life require more solitude, more time. "I've got this," isn't in my vocabulary. I will never have this- I will only have God and a faith that God has this. He has me. He has each one of us if we invite Him to. I'm not sharing my life here because it is extraordinary. I'm not sharing because I know anything, or have any great ability that I feel I must splatter all over the internet or record in black and white. 

I'm sharing my life because that's what God is telling me to do. He told me to go to Nineveh and I've been dragging my feet. Am I really hearing from God? I think I'll wait and make sure. And then, "Are you sure God?" I need to be sure. I've done some meandering now, and some dragging of feet, and even some panicking. What in the world have I got myself into? The bottom line is, if I don't do this - even though it makes no sense to me, even though it goes against the grain - I will find myself in Tarshish. I don't want to go to Tarshish. It sounds weird and 21st Century spell check doesn't even recognize it. Yikes! Scariest of all, it's the direct opposite of where God told me to go. 

Long story short, I'm considering this a lesson in blind obedience. It's not for the faint of heart. In my own reasoning it makes no sense. I like to keep me to me. I'm scared to share me with others- so much so that I don't have friends. I have family and they know me to varying degrees because God picked them for me. That's it. I am trying to build some new friendships. That is a slow, hard process for me. I'm trusting God and we will see where it goes. 

I think I'm finally in a place where I am humble enough (I hope) to let people see my laundry, clean or dirty, and trust God with it. I am obedient enough (I hope) to put my everyday ordinary out into the world and trust God to get it to who, if anybody, needs to see it. I'm finally in a place where I trust God enough to get me through the hard rejection and pain or the attention and feedback that may result. And I recognize that if this blog is never anything more than a lesson in blind obedience, it will have value. It has already taken a turn from the intended. Maybe someday I'll modify it and start a second one.

I think intentional transparency in my writing may eventually help me to open up more in everyday life. Eventually.

 I feel led to help others understand introversion, sensitivity, and what introverted Christianity looks like. God made me an introvert on purpose. I (we introverts) bring something unique and valuable to the table. I would like to explore what that looks like by sharing how it evolves in my own life. I am exploring what authenticity and transparency and a host of other things look like in my life right now. I don't have a plan, but God does, and my plans don't work half the time anyway. I just feel led to share these explorations. 

And I am in love with what God does with all of these thoughts when I do share them. He releases them. It's as if I've given it to the universe, like a gift, and it no longer occupies my mind. It makes room for something new. And all I have to do is entrust it to Him. That's all I feel led to right now. I don't have to share it. I don't have to defend it. I only have to entrust it to Him. On to Nineveh...

A Hope

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not bring you harm, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I was thinking about this verse the other day. It is so widely used, and maybe even abused at times. I am a little confused myself about how some of the promises of the Bible are used so universally. But that's another post.

I myself do use this verse in prayer frequently, especially when dealing with anxiety and praying for my boys. I don't believe it is a magic ticket to get all that I want in life, that things will go smoothly, that my days will be nothing but milk and honey. That's not realistic, or even the best thing for me, my boys, or any of us. 

I do believe that it is a promise that God has a plan for us, a will, a purpose. This is revealed in many new testament verses. 

I do believe that when painful things do happen, that He works through them. He uses them to build our character, to strengthen our resolve, to help us recognize our own strength and resilience. I believe He enables us to get through these difficulties. I often pray, especially for my boys, that if any painful thing does happen to them, that they will be protected in the midst of it, that it will be to their betterment and not their destruction. 

I do believe that He has plans to prosper us:
The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]. John 10:10

This may not refer to prosperity as the world would define it, but a seasoned Christian recognized that the greatest prosperity, the greatest blessing we could ever know, is to have a life centered in God's will. When we can manage to walk in the center of His plan we have joy, despite rough patches and difficult circumstances. We experience the peace that transcends all understanding, with confidence that there is a victory waiting for us on the other side of every single struggle. Victory is found in strength of character, in greater understanding, strengthened trust and faith. These alone lead to improved circumstances, and a wiser view of life's obstacles.

As much as I have thought about, prayed, utilized this verse, I have never really registered that promise of hope. Plans to give you hope. Hope. 

A key symptom of depression is hopelessness. It's the scariest symptom in my opinion. It whispers ugly, painful things in your ear. Hopelessness says: Life isn't worth living. You will never get better. Your family is better off without you. Why even try? Nothing will ever change. You are worthless. You bring no value into this world. The pit of depression is a cruel, scary place. If you find yourself in the pit, you must fight with all your might to climb out of it. You are fighting for your life. 

Once you gain a little ground, once you get to an elevation high enough to let a little light in, then you can breath. You can evaluate where you were, how far you've come. You can see a hint of the possibilities just outside the pit. Life is happening up there. You can hear the bird's songs and the laughter. You can feel the energy up there, just at the top. You know you will be a part of that energy again. Soon. 

You are safe now. You can rest. You can learn. You can be quiet and hear what God has to say. In this place, on the side of the pit, it is just you and God. This is a place of respite and discernment. This is a place where hope starts to whisper louder than hopelessness. Hopelessness interrupts from time to time. It sneaks manipulative, weak words in, but hope is there to oppose it. Hope knows the truth, and hope isn't afraid to fight for you. 

The world doesn't like it when you sit at the side of the pit with God. "Get out of that pit!" they say. But God allowed you to slide down that slippery slope for a reason. Now He has something to teach you. You will be better for it if you take time to sit and be quiet and listen. There are things you are pouring energy into that would be better spent elsewhere. There are dreams you need to let go of. There are dreams you need to grab ahold of, despite your fears. There are boundaries you need to put in place around your time, your energy, your personal well-being, and even your loved ones. If you don't listen now, you will only find yourself back in that pit. Take your time; listen to God. Listen to His Holy Spirit, communing with your own, inside of you. You know when you are ready.

When the time is right, when you finally step outside of the pit, you are wiser. You are grateful for the things you took for granted before. After the dreariness of the pit, you are vividly aware of life in all its color and beauty, and you are eager to embrace it. 

There is no guarantee that you wont fall into the pit again. There are no guarantees in life. But you are wiser now. You know if you fall all the way down to the bottom of the pit where hopelessness lives, God has already promised to send you a whisper of hope. You know to cling to it; it is the way out of the pit.