Destination Nineveh?

 I am the most private person I know. My husband can vouch for me. I write a lot. I write down everything: ideas, dreams, goals, motivators, sermons, scripture, to-do's, lists... I keep all of these things private. When we met I begrudgingly divulged only my grocery list. Seriously, it has been a process to open up. 

If an introvert is truly like a clamped up oyster with a pearl inside, then I will say its no small task to pry this oyster open. I have no idea what my pearl looks like, but I'm trusting God there is one and that in His hands, by His design, it could hold a beautiful power. 

The point is, I'm not the type of person to air my clean laundry, let alone the dirty stuff. It is completely out of my comfort zone to share, to open up, to be vulnerable. I feel extremely vulnerable sharing everyday things that most people wouldn't give a second thought to. This may change with time, but the "introversion thing" - that's hard-wired in. It may evolve with time, but it's here to stay. 

So, why in the world am I baring my heart and soul to the world? Why would I post anything online where anyone can see it? 

Admittedly, this seems like the most bizarre, out-of-the-box thing I could possibly be doing - even to me. I have battled this out over and over again since my first post. I feel God prodding me to do this. I have no idea why. In all likelihood it will never exceed an audience of five. I'm okay with that. In all likelihood I will no longer post it on Facebook. If God tells me to I will certainly do my best, but I have no plans to share at this point. 

Mostly, I feel like this is really all I have to offer to the world right now. All I have to give is myself. Authentic Angela. It's not much. Don't think for a single minute I think it is above the everyday ordinary of anyone else. But God. God has done some amazing things in my life. He has taken what was meant for brokenness and anger and bitterness and pain and He has turned it into healing, and forgiveness, and peace, and joy.

I am sensitive. I'm a deep thinker. I feel things deeply. I am always, always in process. I'm working through. This requires a lot of solitude for me. The really hard things in life require more solitude, more time. "I've got this," isn't in my vocabulary. I will never have this- I will only have God and a faith that God has this. He has me. He has each one of us if we invite Him to. I'm not sharing my life here because it is extraordinary. I'm not sharing because I know anything, or have any great ability that I feel I must splatter all over the internet or record in black and white. 

I'm sharing my life because that's what God is telling me to do. He told me to go to Nineveh and I've been dragging my feet. Am I really hearing from God? I think I'll wait and make sure. And then, "Are you sure God?" I need to be sure. I've done some meandering now, and some dragging of feet, and even some panicking. What in the world have I got myself into? The bottom line is, if I don't do this - even though it makes no sense to me, even though it goes against the grain - I will find myself in Tarshish. I don't want to go to Tarshish. It sounds weird and 21st Century spell check doesn't even recognize it. Yikes! Scariest of all, it's the direct opposite of where God told me to go. 

Long story short, I'm considering this a lesson in blind obedience. It's not for the faint of heart. In my own reasoning it makes no sense. I like to keep me to me. I'm scared to share me with others- so much so that I don't have friends. I have family and they know me to varying degrees because God picked them for me. That's it. I am trying to build some new friendships. That is a slow, hard process for me. I'm trusting God and we will see where it goes. 

I think I'm finally in a place where I am humble enough (I hope) to let people see my laundry, clean or dirty, and trust God with it. I am obedient enough (I hope) to put my everyday ordinary out into the world and trust God to get it to who, if anybody, needs to see it. I'm finally in a place where I trust God enough to get me through the hard rejection and pain or the attention and feedback that may result. And I recognize that if this blog is never anything more than a lesson in blind obedience, it will have value. It has already taken a turn from the intended. Maybe someday I'll modify it and start a second one.

I think intentional transparency in my writing may eventually help me to open up more in everyday life. Eventually.

 I feel led to help others understand introversion, sensitivity, and what introverted Christianity looks like. God made me an introvert on purpose. I (we introverts) bring something unique and valuable to the table. I would like to explore what that looks like by sharing how it evolves in my own life. I am exploring what authenticity and transparency and a host of other things look like in my life right now. I don't have a plan, but God does, and my plans don't work half the time anyway. I just feel led to share these explorations. 

And I am in love with what God does with all of these thoughts when I do share them. He releases them. It's as if I've given it to the universe, like a gift, and it no longer occupies my mind. It makes room for something new. And all I have to do is entrust it to Him. That's all I feel led to right now. I don't have to share it. I don't have to defend it. I only have to entrust it to Him. On to Nineveh...