Thoughts on Confidence

Confidence has an illusive quality to it. It can be deceptive, shallow, and self-serving, or it can be genuine, considerate, and generous. In today's emotional economy it is often based on looks, success, status, education, and wealth. Confidence seems to center around what I have accomplished, my current abilities, and how they compare to my peer's. All too frequently, confidence is the mask we put on our pride. 

Confidence tells you that you have value, but pride assures you that your value is greater than another's. Confidence is born through the use of your gifts, talents, and abilities, but pride tells you that you should be the one to get all of the glory. Confidence allows you to walk into a crowded room assured that you are equal to everyone in that room, but pride whispers that you are better (and lesser) than others. Confidence tells you that your accomplishments and abilities are valuable and useful to God, but pride screams your success is up to you; you make things happen for yourself. 

Pride is a constant battle in life. It is the reason we get offended, want to be right in an argument (even when it means someone we love has to be wrong), have to prove ourselves to the world, and compare ourselves to others at every turn. I have come to recognize pride in new ways, in behaviors and motives I never would have associated with pride in my youth. I have learned pride is in both an elevated opinion of yourself, but also in an inferior opinion of yourself. Who am I to belittle God's creation?

My pride still surfaces now and again. It wont be ignored. It presses me for a response, a reaction. Sometimes it takes only moments for me to  recognize it. Sometimes I have to fight with it for hours or rarely, if I am really passionate about something, DAYS. I have to look within myself, to the root of that pride, and I have to cover it in humility. After that inner battle: peace.  

Genuine confidence, not one that is backed by comparisons, or an elevated self-image, is a challenge for me. When I meet a woman with that unique combination of confidence and humility it thrills my soul. For me, she stands out in any crowd and even in a congregation of believers. God's light illuminates her in such a way that you don't see her worldly qualities, you see what God is doing through her and it is beautiful. 

God equips the willing and thankfully, He can use us as He develops these qualities within us. But why do some women develop these qualities early in life while others never do? How do I invite God in to make these changes within me? Prayer, clearly, is an invitation for God to work in our lives and in our hearts. His Word is full of wisdom for our lives today. Removing pride, the great barrier, is key. Developing and using your gifts and abilities goes a long way toward building Christ-centered confidence, as long as you allow Him the glory and recognize He is your source.    

I tend to look at questions like these over time. God reveals things in layers sometimes, and I think perseverance is key in character development. I want to uncover key factors in developing genuine confidence as I strive toward living a more authentic life. I would love input:  How has God been at work in your life? Where have you witnessed genuine, humble confidence? How are you working with God to develop these characteristics in your life? Any thoughts?

Jesus Glasses

Some may say (and DO say) that I am a religious fanatic. They feel that I am over the top. My relationship with my Savior does permeate every area of my life. I do speak openly about my God and what He is doing in my life. I don't do it to make others uncomfortable or to show them how "religious" I am (whether they view it favorably or not), its just that I see the world through Jesus glasses.

I am just a sinner, saved by grace. God's grace continues to amaze me, day after day. His amazing love is stable, all-encompassing, and abundant every day of my life. He protects me, loves and nurtures me, forgives me, and is faithful to complete His work in me every single day. When I cannot feel it, His word reassures me it is true. It is the one thing that never waivers, fails, or falls short in this world. My God is so amazing, and He has blessed me so abundantly. 

Jesus glasses don't color everything happy; they don't make life roses and daisies and sunshine and rainbows. They do color everything in trust; I know my Lord has plans for me, to prosper me and not bring me harm, to give me a hope and a future. They do color everything in love; I know that you will never be perfect, so I don't expect you to be. I'm learning to love you right where you are at. They do color everything in hope, my problems are small in the light of God's power. Every day my Jesus glasses show me a new color. They light up my life and they change my heart, my mind, and I hope someday, my world. 

Ungifted

 I love to see others using their gifts, talents, and abilities to glorify God. I especially enjoy the worship team that leads us each Sunday morning. Christian music holds such power and God works over my heart in powerful ways through music. It touches my soul. When I am alone, at home or in the car, I sing my heart out to God. The problem is that I cannot sing. When I was younger my mom requested I hum in church. Yes, it really is that bad. My lack of musical talent causes me to appreciate other's talents all the more.

Lately, what God has pressed on my heart, is how blessed I have been by the ungifted. The people that use their UNgift and their UNtalent to glorify God. I realize that He calls us to use our gifts and that He gifts each of us according to His will, but when no one steps up to fill in the gap with their gifts, what can you do?

It takes a person that knows who she is in Christ to stand alone in front of a room of humming women and lead us with her UNgift, to sing hymns at the top of her voice, off-key, with both confidence and humility. When I see that UNgift it floods my heart with gratitude, for my sister-in-Christ who, ungifted as me, can move forward boldly, approach the throne, and lift up her inharmonious voice in praise.

While I safely hum among the hummers and sing under my breath with the other women singing under theirs, lacking musical talent or confidence, I feel such gratitude for my new, off-pitch friend that I have to hold back tears. God's question echoes in my heart, "When will I start to use my gift, or even my UNgift, to bring Him praise?"

When will I develop enough confidence in who I am in Christ to use my gifts, let alone my ungifts, to bring others closer to Him? When will I stop worrying about what others think and let God's light shine through me in such a way that other's can only think "Wow. God is amazing."

What is more amazing than a God who can take the part of you that is gifted or ungifted, plain, or beautiful and use it to bless others? I have resolved to at least be bold enough to live out loud while I discover what it is God is calling me to do in this life and in this community. I am determined to use what He calls me to use, whether it is my gift, or my ungift and I am grateful He allows me to appreciate both the gifts and ungifts in others. God is good all the time...

Unedited

This is my first blog. My inner perfectionist could sabotage this entire endeavor as I spend days rewriting posts before publishing them... or never publish them at all because I have no one to proofread or give me feedback. I am purposing to focus on self-expression and authenticity rather than perfection or some botched attempt at perfection that leaves me at an incompetent stand still, afraid to move forward for fear of falling short of the mark. Instead I'm going to move the mark. This is where I'm starting and we will see what God has in store.

Back to Egypt

Four years. I have been on this "eleven day journey" for four years now. While I recognize I have made progress, I still FEEL like I am completely lost at times. It's cool. I'm just out wandering the desert with a bad attitude.

To be completely honest, some days I just want to go back to Egypt. This, obviously, is nothing to brag about. Have you ever wondered what in the world those Israelites were thinking? Maybe something like: at least in Egypt I understood what was expected of me and I knew how to do it and do it well. The expectations sure were simpler in Egypt. At least I knew what to expect back in Egypt.... You get it, right?

Single motherhood certainly had its challenges, yet my new life continues to intimidate me in ways I had never anticipated. I lost my vision for our family and I find that I am constantly second guessing myself. I'm not sure at what point I became a victim of all these blessings, but it's time to press on. Sad, I know.

At this point in life I am looking for an opportunity to connect with others. I want to live out loud in my own introverted way. I want to express my gratitude and reveal what God is doing in my life and heart. I also want to be real and authentic in the struggles I am having and the questions I am wrestling with.

I need to renew my passion for writing, creating, and living. I realize now that I cannot put all of my interests and desires on a back burner while we build our business, raise our children, maintain a farm and household and somehow sustain my passion for life. God put these things at the core of who I am. I'm at a place where ignoring them feels like snuffing out my own flame. I need motivation and something to be excited about.

It's time to say no to Egypt. There is no going back. There is only moving forward. It's time to make my mother-in-law's house into my home. It's time to put up boundaries. It's time to create new goals and dreams for my family, home, and life. It's time to move into a more authentic place in my life so my fear of man can dissipate and my fear of God can enable me to grow into who He created me to be. It's time for me to own my place in this community, my circumstances, my gifts, talents, and abilities. This is my place and my time and this is the beginning of God revealing to me what He wants me to do with it. Please join me in my journey. I invite you to live out loud, to develop greater authenticity, and to dig into life's challenges with me. Here's to life!