Do As I Do

I recently finished a study on Philippians. I have been thinking a lot about Paul's "do as I do" teachings: 

- Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. Philippians 3:17

- Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. Philippians 4:9

Whew! I can't imagine saying this to my fellow believers! I try to live a life that is right before God, but perfect I am not!  Paul made mistakes. How could he say these things with any real confidence in his ability to live an exemplary lifestyle?

I love verses like these that stick in my head to be mulled over again and again. I've been thinking about the lifestyle Paul was living, a lifestyle we strive to live, that would enable us to say, "Do as I do". Here's what I've come up with:


Paul was a righteous man.

Righteous... that can be such an intimidating term! Verses about righteousness used to leave me feeling so defeated. Then I learned that righteous just means that we are in right standing with God, forgiven.  Not perfect, but forgiven? We can do that!


Paul walked in an intimate relationship with God. He was in prayer, inviting God to be at work in his life, his circumstances, and in his heart. He took time to hear that still, small voice. He listened to the whisper of the Holy Spirit. I believe he heard from God on everything he did. He lived his life, not according to his own will, but according to His Father's will and His Holy Spirit guidance. 

At times it can be hard to discern God's will in our lives. He speaks to us so frequently through peace, or a lack of peace, through a word in due season, and through the promptings and desires of our Christ-changed, Christ-filled hearts. It can be scary to think of missing His will at times, of walking outside of His will. I have learned to find comfort in His promises. These verses are reassurance at times when His will feels unclear:

- In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will... Ephesians 1:11

- For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

He has a unique plan, a purpose, for each of us. We were created with this purpose in mind, gifted according to His will (Romans 12:6). I believe it is in using our gifts, talents, and abilities to fulfill our purposes that we find fulfillment, joy, and contentment. 

- He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

- If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself. 2 Timothy 2:13

He is faithful to complete the work He began in us. He is working in us faithfully, even when we stumble, when we cannot discern His will, or when we are uncertain we are on the right path.

- For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13 

We belong to Him. We were each created for a unique purpose. He is going to help us along. He is going to give us the grace we need to fulfill our purposes. He is going to enable us to do with ease what we could never do on our own without His help. He equips the called, rather than call the equipped, that through our victories, He may have the glory.  


Paul lived a life of discipline and self-control.(1 Corinthians 9:24-27) He did his part to the best of his ability and trusted God with the rest.   


Finally, I think Paul lived a translucent life. He made mistakes, but was quick to respond to conviction, to seek forgiveness, and make corrections. He was humble enough to share the thorn in his flesh and his mistakes, that we may learn and grow right along side him. 


Until Christ returns and we are made perfect, we can strive toward a "do as I do" lifestyle. Like Paul, we can walk in forgiveness, live our lives as a whispered prayer and, consistently seek God. We can learn to discern His will and have faith that He is working in us and on our behalf, because whatever we are on any given day, God is faithful. We can continue to grow in self-discipline and self-control. We can allow ourselves to be transparent by trusting in God to grant us favor among men despite our inadequacies. 

My favorite thing about Paul's exemplary life, is that God used all that Paul was. His past was not wasted. He used Paul's mistakes, his shortcomings and weaknesses, as well as his strengths, just as He desires to do with us. I love that nothing is wasted on God. He can take all that we are, both the good and the bad, and He can use it to His glory.   

My Redeemer

Last week was the twenty-sixth anniversary of my adoption.

I can only remember seeing my biological father twice during my childhood. I think both times were within the same week... I'm not sure. I was around the age of five. My aunt -his sister- was getting married and we were both on the guest list. I knew I would see him that day. My mom pointed him out to me. I remember waiting with several kids that I did not know to greet him. I remember worrying he wouldn't know who I was. He did. I sat next to him during the ceremony. He gave me a butterscotch lifesaver. I don't remember much about the other visit. He had a step-son and a daughter. I wondered why he wanted them and not me. I wondered what was wrong with me. During that visit, he gave me a jewelry box with a tiny little ring in it: my birthstone. I still have that jewelry box.
 
By the age of nine, he was little more than a fading memory. I felt rejected, unwanted. I dreamed he would want me someday. I longed for a relationship with him. I wanted so much for him to want me. When my mom told me my step-dad wanted to adopt me I agreed to be his daughter. I wish I could say that I felt honored, but in all honesty, I felt like my greatest fears were confirmed. My dad didn't want me. He had agreed to let me be someone else's daughter. I kept hoping he would show up at our doorstep and stop the adoption process. It was a confirmation: I wasn't good enough. I felt that rejection to my core.

We celebrated my adoption, but there was a heaviness in my heart. I started calling my step-dad "Dad" that day. I learned to spell my new last name. Those were the only real changes I recall. I didn't feel different. My adoption was a salve spread thinly over a gaping wound. I understood it was what was best for me, but it did little to ease the pain.

It is easy to miss God at work in our lives. When I was a heart-broken nine-year-old girl, I could not see God's hand on me. I despaired. I mourned what might have been. I grieved for a relationship I never had with a daddy I never knew. I could not discern the complexities of the situation as I can now, just as the understanding I have as an adult can not change what I felt as a child and how it shaped me into who I am today.

I could not see that when my birth father took his hand off of me, when he decided it was better if he was not a part of my life, God had already chosen my redeemer. He had already aligned my future with His will. He had made a provision for me. His hand was on me the entire time. So great was His faithfulness that He provided me not only a redeemer, but also a "Dad", a tangible hand, a reassuring smile, and a provider. I couldn't see that the salve I had discounted was working slowly, over time, to heal that deep, raw wound in my heart.

That wound is tender to this day. I still think about my birth father. I still play with the idea of a relationship with him. I have had contact with him twice since then. There will always be a place in my heart reserved solely for him.

Yet I appreciate my "Dad" now more than ever. Our relationship was never perfect. We aren't especially close. I never felt like he adored me as a child. Somehow, that makes his faithfulness even sweeter. He accepted me, my adolescent awkwardness, my teenage attitude, and my need to be clothed, fed, cared for, and loved. I had no claim over him. He was in no way obligated to me. There was no way for me to deserve his provision.

He gave it freely, no strings attached. My entire youth was an act of human compassion and kindness on his part. Every single day He gave what I could never deserve. The man I took for granted, that felt like second-best to a broken-hearted little girl, was more than I could have ever asked for. While I was busy longing for my heart's desire, God sent me what He desired for me; He sent me what I needed.





"The Lord bless him!" Naomi said to her daughter-in-law. "He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead." She added, "That man is our close relative; he is one of our kinsman-redeemers." Ruth 2:20

Thoughts on Confidence

Confidence has an illusive quality to it. It can be deceptive, shallow, and self-serving, or it can be genuine, considerate, and generous. In today's emotional economy it is often based on looks, success, status, education, and wealth. Confidence seems to center around what I have accomplished, my current abilities, and how they compare to my peer's. All too frequently, confidence is the mask we put on our pride. 

Confidence tells you that you have value, but pride assures you that your value is greater than another's. Confidence is born through the use of your gifts, talents, and abilities, but pride tells you that you should be the one to get all of the glory. Confidence allows you to walk into a crowded room assured that you are equal to everyone in that room, but pride whispers that you are better (and lesser) than others. Confidence tells you that your accomplishments and abilities are valuable and useful to God, but pride screams your success is up to you; you make things happen for yourself. 

Pride is a constant battle in life. It is the reason we get offended, want to be right in an argument (even when it means someone we love has to be wrong), have to prove ourselves to the world, and compare ourselves to others at every turn. I have come to recognize pride in new ways, in behaviors and motives I never would have associated with pride in my youth. I have learned pride is in both an elevated opinion of yourself, but also in an inferior opinion of yourself. Who am I to belittle God's creation?

My pride still surfaces now and again. It wont be ignored. It presses me for a response, a reaction. Sometimes it takes only moments for me to  recognize it. Sometimes I have to fight with it for hours or rarely, if I am really passionate about something, DAYS. I have to look within myself, to the root of that pride, and I have to cover it in humility. After that inner battle: peace.  

Genuine confidence, not one that is backed by comparisons, or an elevated self-image, is a challenge for me. When I meet a woman with that unique combination of confidence and humility it thrills my soul. For me, she stands out in any crowd and even in a congregation of believers. God's light illuminates her in such a way that you don't see her worldly qualities, you see what God is doing through her and it is beautiful. 

God equips the willing and thankfully, He can use us as He develops these qualities within us. But why do some women develop these qualities early in life while others never do? How do I invite God in to make these changes within me? Prayer, clearly, is an invitation for God to work in our lives and in our hearts. His Word is full of wisdom for our lives today. Removing pride, the great barrier, is key. Developing and using your gifts and abilities goes a long way toward building Christ-centered confidence, as long as you allow Him the glory and recognize He is your source.    

I tend to look at questions like these over time. God reveals things in layers sometimes, and I think perseverance is key in character development. I want to uncover key factors in developing genuine confidence as I strive toward living a more authentic life. I would love input:  How has God been at work in your life? Where have you witnessed genuine, humble confidence? How are you working with God to develop these characteristics in your life? Any thoughts?

Jesus Glasses

Some may say (and DO say) that I am a religious fanatic. They feel that I am over the top. My relationship with my Savior does permeate every area of my life. I do speak openly about my God and what He is doing in my life. I don't do it to make others uncomfortable or to show them how "religious" I am (whether they view it favorably or not), its just that I see the world through Jesus glasses.

I am just a sinner, saved by grace. God's grace continues to amaze me, day after day. His amazing love is stable, all-encompassing, and abundant every day of my life. He protects me, loves and nurtures me, forgives me, and is faithful to complete His work in me every single day. When I cannot feel it, His word reassures me it is true. It is the one thing that never waivers, fails, or falls short in this world. My God is so amazing, and He has blessed me so abundantly. 

Jesus glasses don't color everything happy; they don't make life roses and daisies and sunshine and rainbows. They do color everything in trust; I know my Lord has plans for me, to prosper me and not bring me harm, to give me a hope and a future. They do color everything in love; I know that you will never be perfect, so I don't expect you to be. I'm learning to love you right where you are at. They do color everything in hope, my problems are small in the light of God's power. Every day my Jesus glasses show me a new color. They light up my life and they change my heart, my mind, and I hope someday, my world. 

Ungifted

 I love to see others using their gifts, talents, and abilities to glorify God. I especially enjoy the worship team that leads us each Sunday morning. Christian music holds such power and God works over my heart in powerful ways through music. It touches my soul. When I am alone, at home or in the car, I sing my heart out to God. The problem is that I cannot sing. When I was younger my mom requested I hum in church. Yes, it really is that bad. My lack of musical talent causes me to appreciate other's talents all the more.

Lately, what God has pressed on my heart, is how blessed I have been by the ungifted. The people that use their UNgift and their UNtalent to glorify God. I realize that He calls us to use our gifts and that He gifts each of us according to His will, but when no one steps up to fill in the gap with their gifts, what can you do?

It takes a person that knows who she is in Christ to stand alone in front of a room of humming women and lead us with her UNgift, to sing hymns at the top of her voice, off-key, with both confidence and humility. When I see that UNgift it floods my heart with gratitude, for my sister-in-Christ who, ungifted as me, can move forward boldly, approach the throne, and lift up her inharmonious voice in praise.

While I safely hum among the hummers and sing under my breath with the other women singing under theirs, lacking musical talent or confidence, I feel such gratitude for my new, off-pitch friend that I have to hold back tears. God's question echoes in my heart, "When will I start to use my gift, or even my UNgift, to bring Him praise?"

When will I develop enough confidence in who I am in Christ to use my gifts, let alone my ungifts, to bring others closer to Him? When will I stop worrying about what others think and let God's light shine through me in such a way that other's can only think "Wow. God is amazing."

What is more amazing than a God who can take the part of you that is gifted or ungifted, plain, or beautiful and use it to bless others? I have resolved to at least be bold enough to live out loud while I discover what it is God is calling me to do in this life and in this community. I am determined to use what He calls me to use, whether it is my gift, or my ungift and I am grateful He allows me to appreciate both the gifts and ungifts in others. God is good all the time...

Unedited

This is my first blog. My inner perfectionist could sabotage this entire endeavor as I spend days rewriting posts before publishing them... or never publish them at all because I have no one to proofread or give me feedback. I am purposing to focus on self-expression and authenticity rather than perfection or some botched attempt at perfection that leaves me at an incompetent stand still, afraid to move forward for fear of falling short of the mark. Instead I'm going to move the mark. This is where I'm starting and we will see what God has in store.

Back to Egypt

Four years. I have been on this "eleven day journey" for four years now. While I recognize I have made progress, I still FEEL like I am completely lost at times. It's cool. I'm just out wandering the desert with a bad attitude.

To be completely honest, some days I just want to go back to Egypt. This, obviously, is nothing to brag about. Have you ever wondered what in the world those Israelites were thinking? Maybe something like: at least in Egypt I understood what was expected of me and I knew how to do it and do it well. The expectations sure were simpler in Egypt. At least I knew what to expect back in Egypt.... You get it, right?

Single motherhood certainly had its challenges, yet my new life continues to intimidate me in ways I had never anticipated. I lost my vision for our family and I find that I am constantly second guessing myself. I'm not sure at what point I became a victim of all these blessings, but it's time to press on. Sad, I know.

At this point in life I am looking for an opportunity to connect with others. I want to live out loud in my own introverted way. I want to express my gratitude and reveal what God is doing in my life and heart. I also want to be real and authentic in the struggles I am having and the questions I am wrestling with.

I need to renew my passion for writing, creating, and living. I realize now that I cannot put all of my interests and desires on a back burner while we build our business, raise our children, maintain a farm and household and somehow sustain my passion for life. God put these things at the core of who I am. I'm at a place where ignoring them feels like snuffing out my own flame. I need motivation and something to be excited about.

It's time to say no to Egypt. There is no going back. There is only moving forward. It's time to make my mother-in-law's house into my home. It's time to put up boundaries. It's time to create new goals and dreams for my family, home, and life. It's time to move into a more authentic place in my life so my fear of man can dissipate and my fear of God can enable me to grow into who He created me to be. It's time for me to own my place in this community, my circumstances, my gifts, talents, and abilities. This is my place and my time and this is the beginning of God revealing to me what He wants me to do with it. Please join me in my journey. I invite you to live out loud, to develop greater authenticity, and to dig into life's challenges with me. Here's to life!