Life has been interesting lately. Doctors appointments, elimination diets, materials to read and implement. I'm tired, frustrated, and confused. I'm overwhelmed, and melancholy, and irritable.
I am finally getting some answers, and the relief that comes with them. As far as Fibromyalgia can be an answer anyway. There are still some unexplained symptoms that even the neurological issues that go along with fibromyalgia don't explain. There are some unresolved issues... probably related to Hashimoto's, that are causing vision problems (and causing me to look a little less attractive).
I am happy to finally understand some of what is going on. I am happy to understand the constant push and crash cycle I have been in for years. I am excited to finally understand the extreme, chronic, and debilitating brain fog. I not only understand the pain, the fatigue, the sore throat, nausea, chronic low-grade fever, the joint pain, the numbness, tingling, etc, etc, etc, but I am also learning the first steps in managing it all. It doesn't seem possible right now, but I'm excited to understand and have hope.
I'm happy that all of these overwhelming, seemingly unrelated, and numerous symptoms finally mean something. I'm happy that I can stop feeling crazy, ashamed, guilty, afraid. I'm happy that I can start working to regain energy, to regain some control over my life, and to better manage what energy I do have.
Mostly I am happy to have some answers to my questions. I am so tired of trying to explain what I haven't understood. I'm tired of lying, of saying I'm good when I am not. I'm tired of having to make excuses for myself because "that won't work for me" is never enough." I'm too tired; I don't feel well" is not okay. I'm really just tired. I know the pressure and the judgement and the questions probably wont go away, but at least I can answer them from a place of knowledge now. At least I can have confidence in my own understanding of my body and it's limitations and how it works now.
It is so hard to be sick and not know why. It is hard to feel like your own body just won't work, won't perform. It's hard to not only live with the questions nagging in your own mind, but to be put on the spot to answer other's questions too. I've felt so foolish and shamed and like I have been labeled a hypochondriac by a special few with which I have shared my struggles. It makes me wonder what other people would do and how they would have handled this crazy, hodge-podge, collection of symptoms. Sometimes I think the only right and acceptable answer when others ask how you are doing is "good". At least now, too, I will have a clearer definition of friend.
Anyway, there is no going back, there is only moving forward. I am excited to have a doctor that does her best to educate and empower me. The next few months are filled with appointments: rheumatologist, neurologist, physical therapist, nutritionist, functional medicine, and even a plastic surgeon. The ball is rolling now. My doctor says that fibromyalgia and Hashimoto's are likely not the only pieces to this puzzle, but its a start.
I don't know, can't comprehend yet, the changes that are before us. I'm trusting God and I am waiting on Him. I'm sitting with it for a while. I'm taking all the pressure to perform, participate, attend and I am letting it slide away. I have known for a long time that I could not keep up. Now I finally know why. Now I have the freedom to decide for myself which hats fit and which don't. It's amazing how many hats people try to shove on your head! Next time someone throws a hat at me I plan to run it over with the lawnmower.
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